Zac Efron makes me cry.

Today I went to see the movie “17 Again” at the dollar theater on Sawmill. I was expecting it to be worth about a dollar, but I actually liked it quite a bit. It’s not an original concept for a film (It’s like “13 Going on 30″ in reverse) but I thought it was sweet.  I’ve never seen Zac Efron in a movie before, but I thought he was funny and charming, and he has great  hair, so that was a bonus.

I wasn’t expecting to feel as sad as I did at the end. I was thinking about Chris, and what the experience of falling in love with him was like….His spiky hair and the Vandals baseball shirt he wore on our first date, and the way he smelled. He was so mysterious and adorable. I remember standing in line with him at Kings Island on our second date thinking that there was no way he would ever go for someone like me – He would find out that I really wasn’t very interesting after all and that would be the end of it. I never expected to fall in love with him like I did. I just wanted to be with him all the time – When we weren’t in class, we were together. He challenged me to think for myself and ask hard questions, and he introduced me to a whole new world of art and opinions…I would never want to go back and erase those things, that time in Swing Hall and even in Columbus. But it struck me while watching the movie how great things could be in the beginning and still end up falling apart like Chris and I did…I grieve for that, for the couple we were when we met seven years ago. It’s incredibly sad.

I cried at the end of the movie.

mother’s day

I miss my mom – and also wish I was one….

Not a fan of Mother’s Day right now.

the brave little me

Going through a divorce is like riding an emotional roller coaster, and most of the time, it’s not a very fun one (It’s like riding Top Gun at Kings Island – decrepit and falling apart). But this week, I rode the metaphorical Beast. I felt very brave this week. Maybe it was the fact that my puppy was born. Or the fact that I have a new car. Or the fact that I went shopping and found some clothes and I look great in. I put together all of my IKEA furniture by myself and decorated my own apartment. I finished my Practicum and am starting my Masters internship. This week I just felt hopeful about my life,  like I had a lot of things going for me. And I’m going to be okay.

For the last year I’ve often felt like things are happening to me and that I’ve been at the mercy of the decisions of others. This is partly true, but the truth is also that I did have a choice in this decision to divorce. I want a family and children – I’ve always known that I want that, and I still do. And so I’m starting over with the hope that I’ll be able to have those things someday. My friend Nikole recently told me that she thinks I’m making a really brave decision. This week I agreed with her.

welcome to plan b

When I chose the name for this blog a couple years ago, I couldn’t really predict the recent events of my life. But now that I’m here, it seems appropriate. I’m getting divorced. It still doesn’t feel right to say it, and it looks strange typed out on my laptop. I’m 28, I’ve been married for four years, and I’m getting divorced. I feel like a lot of things have happened to me in the past year that I didn’t  really have control over – I’m really angry about those things, but I’m mostly heartbroken. My dreams feel crushed. And now I’m faced with starting over in a way I never expected.

I have my own little apartment that I’m trying to decorate in my own style. I’m making all of my own decisions, trying to build new relationships, and I’m getting a puppy in the summer. We can be our own little family of two, and I’ll have to wait and see how my new life unfolds. I always tell my students that even if you can’t control how other people act, you CAN control how you react. I can’t help the things that have happened to me, but I’m trying to remember  that advice for myself.  A good life is a choice — one I want to make.