wish

I want to go on a date with someone wonderful and drink coffee together.

taking it easy in D.C.

I just spent a weekend in DC and had a great time. I haven’t been since the 6th grade when I went with the Safety Patrol, which is pretty young to absorb the meaning of everything. In fact, I think I was more interested in riding the charter bus and trying to snap a photo of Dan Meehan than anything else. Now I am an adult, one who is interested in politics and has opinions about things, and I looked at everything really differently.

I viewed most of the memorials through a pacifist’s eye. When I see all of the tombstones at Arlington Cemetery and the 58,000 names on the Vietnam Memorial, I don’t think about how grateful I am to the troops who fought; I mostly just think about what a waste of all those lives and how much I hate violence. I know that a lot of people were forced to fight against their will and beliefs. I don’t think that makes me unpatriotic in the slightest. I do support troops — I support them coming home and being safe. There was a dad and a child there looking at the memorial when Allison and I were there, and the dad said, “Now that you see all of these names, do you think the war was worth it?” I did a little cheer in my heart in celebration of peace!

The most effective monuments were the Lincoln Memorial and the Korea Memorial. The way the Korea statues are arranged, it feels like you are right there along with them, marching through the scary terrain in ponchos and heavy gear, especially at night. The eyes of the soldiers are so large and…vacant, which is just further evidence of the damage that war can do to a person. I’ll never forget those eyes. The Lincoln Memorial is just well, kinda majestic,  and even though the monument is always packed with people, when I stood there in front of it, looking up at the president who abolished slavery….it almost feels intimate. Like it is he and I, and no one else is there. He really was a pretty awesome president.

The one disappointment of the trip is that the portrait within a portrait within a portrait of Stephen Colbert (my favorite celebrity ever) was no longer at the National Portrait Gallery! After getting back to the hotel room and doing some research, I discovered that it had only been displayed until September. We missed it by about 2 months But I did get to see some hilarious video clips of Stephen of walking around Washington with the painting strapped to his back!

The most fun thing about the trip was riding the Metro everywhere. Maybe this is the geeky fascination of a small town girl, but the idea of reading the paper or actually doing something fun while zipping to work on the subway is incredibly appealing. There are people to watch and talk to, and I saw a plethora of good looking men with glasses (some of whom smiled back at me!) riding the Metro to their jobs. It felt less isolating than driving in a car, and I felt like part of a community, riding the subway and walking everywhere in the city. When I was married to Chris, I was more than ready and willing to buy a house, settle down in Columbus, and have babies. But now that this is no longer a possibility, I know that I don’t have to stay here, even though with Chris I felt like I did. The truth is that I don’t really love Columbus, aside from my job and the great friends I have made here. At the end of my two years, I could very well be open to the idea of moving away, either to Columbus or somewhere else. This feels both a little scary but also a little promising.

 

vows

I promise to try new things

and I will keep my eyes open for surprises.

 

things that bring me comfort

I have been really into warm drinks this season now that it is chilly outside. I am trying to be more open-minded about coffee and have become attached to the Pumpkin Spiced Latte at Starbucks. It could very well be my gateway drink into the world of other coffee drinks. My favorite, though, is still a hot cocoa with raspberry syrrup from Cup O Joe (especially the one in Bexley). I wish I lived closer to it so I could hang out there.

There’s just something really wonderful about drinking something warm and feeling cozy all over. I’ve been learning new ways to create safety, comfort, and security for myself, and this might end up being top of the list.

thanks

It is really nice to know that someone thinks you’re pretty, and that even though you sometimes feel invisible to men,  it isn’t always the case.

first wedding

Jennifer’s wedding was this weekend. I was nervous about it and worried about how I would feel, and there were a lot of moments where I just felt like divorced Anne, who failed at marriage, who was alone and broken-hearted. I tried not to listen too closely to the vows because I didn’t want to think about all of the promises that Chris made to me and then broke. I tried not to think about my really nice wedding and how excited and happy I was, thinking that I was in for a long and happy life with my husband. I tried not to feel weird that most of the other bridesmaids had dates, and I tried not to worry about the fact that I haven’t really met or talked to even one single man since moving out 6 months ago. I tried not to feel embarassed that most people in the room knew that I used to be married and am no longer so.

A lot of my family members gave me hugs and asked me how I was doing. They disguised their questions as a general greeting, but I imagine what they really meant was “We know you must be sad and want to know how you’re doing.” What I wanted to say is that being divorced is really terrible and I’ve never felt so alone in all my life. I wanted to say that weddings are now a bad reminder of my own messed up marriage — and even though I’m happy for Jennifer and Casey, a big part of me feels hopeless that I will never be happy again — or that I will have to wait a really long time. Jana came over to talk to me during the reception. She gave me a hug and told me that someday I would meet the right person for me too, even though Chris wasn’t it. It was the only time I cried during the wedding.

I actually ended up having a lot more fun than I expected. The ceremony was really beautiful, and even though I don’t usually say this about myself, I looked pretty awesome. I loved my dress. And I did a nice job on my makeup, and my hair was just the right amount of funky. I felt like myself, and I felt beautiful. I also had a few glasses of wine, relaxed a little bit, and then danced a lot! I met and hung out with some of Casey’s friends and Renee, which was really nice. The introverted Anne would just have gone back to Aunt Becky’s after the reception, but instead I went back to the hotel to hang out, and I’m really glad I did because I had a lot of fun. I am learning that it is good and important to try new things. I am no longer the Annie that I was, and forging a new life takes effort and risk.

I hope that as I attend more and more weddings, they will get easier and easier. And I hope that one day I can attend my own. On a volcano in Hawaii. Or somewhere equally cool

some things I’m thinking about

1. Do giant inflatable things really attract people to a business? Today outside of the tire place on Holt Road there was a giant inflatable sunshine with a face, and I have recently seen giant inflatable Frosties on top of Wendy’s and all kinds of things. While I do love inantimate objects with faces, I can’t really believe that one of these large balloons draws in a lot of customers. Also I’ve been wondering about art sales and blanket salesmen on the side of Sawmill Road. Does anyone ever buy these things? I always feel a litle bit sorry for the salesmen (or saleswomen), but I’m really curious about how much money they actually make.

2. I like when my neighbor stops by to talk to me. It is nice to have someone friendly around to have a conversation with. I fear, though, that I have appeared really weird and awkward, and it is clear that I need some practice in talking to men without sounding like an idiot.

3. I saw the news coverage this morning of the high school student who was beaten up and killed in Chicago this week. There is a lot of focus on the fact that he was an honor student, which is a great accomplishment, but would it have been any less sad if a thug kid with all F’s was killed? I don’t think so. Violence is sad in any case, and I hate hate HATE it.

4. I have been watching Glee every Wednesday, and despite my hatred of adultery, against my instincts I am rooting for Emma and Will to get together. They are so cute! Plus, they make Will’s wife into such a terrible witchy person, you just have to hate her for being shallow and a liar. But this does pose a moral dilemma…

my lonely little self

The thing I miss the most about being married is having a best friend. My interests are a little quirky, and I really liked having someone else in my life who also loved those same things. We could talk about great songs that we found out about, plot out our ranch house that we were going to have and all the mid-century modern furniture we were going to fill it with, connect about movies, vintage finds on Ebay, piercings, punk rock music, and Rick Bayless. I don’t really know anyone else who cares about these things (Well, except Missy, who also loves Belle and Sebastian!) It can be really lonely.

Sometimes when I spy vintage furniture on tv commericals, I tell Penny about it, but she doesn’t really care (because she’s a dog) and I would really like to have a friend who knows what an Eames rocker is.  I think this is why I post a lot of things to Facebook, links and things like that. Even if I’m just sending them out to the void of the internet, at least I am sharing them with someone. My prayer is that someday when I do fall in love with someone else,  I can find someone who shares all of my same passions, or at least some of them. Hopefully I can be that lucky twice!

i heart cincinnati

Yesterday I went to a Reds game in Cincinnati. I’m pretty much madly in love with Cincinnati. I lived in Clifton for two years while I was in grad school at UC, got married there, ate at the Skyline Chili on Ludlow, watched my first independent movies at the Esquire theater, did my student teaching at Hughes High School, worked at DuBois bookstore, and mastered freeway driving on 71 and 275 (well, okay, I’m still working on the master part, but I’m a lot better than I used to be!) Cincinnati is full of neighborhoods with their own unique personalities, not like Columbus, which has few neighborhoods and mostly suburbs. And Cincinnati has a culture to it, the Reds and the Bengals, the Undergound Railroad Museum, art, Charlie Harper, local writers, Skyline and Larosas, Penn Station and Greater’s (which never tastes as good in Columbus as it does in Cincy). I love Zips Cafe, and Joseph-Beth bookstore, where I bought “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” on a fall afternoon. I love Kings Island, riding the Beast, and eating Larosas in Rivertown. I love all of the hills and the way the city looks driving over the Bic Mac bridge from Kentucky, and I love the skyline at night. I love the memory of being snowed in with Chris on Christmas Eve and walking up the deserted hills to Ludlow, looking for an open place to eat. Crunching through the snow in the silent streets and ending up having dinner at Uno’s Pizza, the place where we had our first date. That is probably the most magic moment of my life.

I’ve thought a lot about moving back there, but I wonder if the emotional ties to it will feel the same. Do I really love Cincinnati, or do I love it because I loved Chris there?

I had fun at the game. The Reds played horribly against another bad team, but I saw one Reds player hit his first Major League home run, ate soft serve ice cream in a mini Reds helmet, and enjoyed a cheese coney (no mustard, no onion). I love being in the stadium, doing the wave, and choosing random players to cheer for! If I have to marry someone who cares about sports, God, please let it be baseball!

I hate weekends.

I really wish people would stop having babies and then posting adorable photos of them on Facebook. People are buying houses, going on trips, getting pregnant, having babies, and I’m home alone on a Friday night, eating Bob Evans on my couch with a life that just seems void. I was rearranging books today and found my photo albums. One of them was my wedding album and the other one was empty, and that was just so incredibly sad — I really enjoy my job, but that’s not enough to make a full life…I want to have a family, to belong to someone, to be someone’s partner and an important part of someone’s life. And I want to have something fun to do on the weekend. I miss having someone to share things with.

Chris emailed me a photo of Kennedy at the Clipper’s game, and I feel jealous. I didn’t know that they were going, and Carrie and Nathan haven’t called and invited me to do something in a while. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “Why did they invite Chris to go and not me?” I’m still close with them and the kids, and I’ve tried to see them a few times this summer. But we all can no longer do things together as a group like we used to: we had all of these traditions. We went to the Greek festival, and the Circleville Pumpkin Show, and always to the zoo, etc. and I know we won’t be able to do those things anymore.

I feel like I’ve lost so much more than just my husband…